004 ~ [Dream]

[disruptstatice]

Warnings: Leo's dreams kind of come with automatic spoiler warning now that I think about it... Yeah, spoiler warning, for latest chapter (63 that is, that isn't yet actually scanlated) and arc etc etc. But not the biggest ever, especially not if you don't click the image, I don't think?
Effects: Optional; first unease, then some kind of peace, followed by happiness, then anger, despair and fear. :|b

The world baths in flecks of yellow light.

When he was really young, he thought this was just how the world was. It quickly turned out not to be the case, however, as the way this reflected in his own eyes was not there in anyone else’s, and it seemed to scare people. So his mother told him; let’s cover them, it’ll be easier then.

His growing bangs covered his eyes alright, but it couldn’t fully block out the lights. Can’t fully block out the lights. The way they float, flicker through the black strands, the only light in what comes off as a world of darkness. It’s not a light that is enjoyable, not a light that brightens anything up; just spots, nearby and far away, that does nothing but give an ominous feeling.

Because it’s not normal.

’I’m the strange one.’

Books have always been a sanctuary. They have always let him crawl into another world, another mind, to get away from everything that is his own. People generally know to stay away when he coops up in the library of the orphanage, alternatively with a blanket around him, and if they don’t they’re soon to learn, when they come bother him and he snaps at them to make them stay away.

“It’s rude to read over shoulders.”

Or, has he had a bad enough day, if the voices have been too loud.

“Leave me alone if you don’t want your nose to bleed.”

He’s happy to raise his voice if he needs to. Normally, they’re quick to leave then.

But then it crashes; this idea that it always works, when one day what he gets in return is…

“You’re really a bore, you know?”

“CAN’T YOU SEE I’M A NOBLE?!”

The first one to always just snap back at whatever rude comment he gives. The person… who would end up becoming his one light.

Elliot Nightray.

“You're lying. There's no way you could know! Whatever the hell is going on, I want to get pulled into it! I'm your friend damn it! I'm supposed to help you with these things!”

As much as he wants to, he doesn’t resist the hand suddenly clenching at his collar, Elliot’s face so close that only the very nearest flecks of light are seen, floating between them. But those lights are overtaken by the brightness coming from Elliot, Elliot Elliot, and through his heavy breath and mind thick with anger and frustration, he resists the urge to reach out towards it. And he shouldn’t reach out, he shouldn’t say all this that is flowing up in his head, he shouldn’t, but.

But he does.

”Lying?! Then tell me. How would you fix that no matter how much I tell myself that I do, I sometimes don't fully know who I am?! How would you fix that I can't see because there are floating lights in my eyes?! How would you fix the fact that there is something WRONG with me and always has been?! I don't know if you've realised it yet but you can't fix everything! You should spend your time on what you actually can do anything about, not someone who just ends up one way or another ruining what's important to them!”

He shouldn’t have he shouldn’t have he shouldn’t have-- Because right after he has, something lashes out and the floating lights get bigger, overpower Elliot’s because suddenly it’s not there. His throat tightens and he screams, tumbles and falls as Elliot is pulled away, pulled away with the light that he needs, that makes him warm, because Elliot is light, the only light that has any effect.

No matter how much he reaches, his arm isn’t long enough, and sobs shake his body as he crumples, hands fisting in his hair and tugging, tearing.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!” he cries, as if that’s going to bring Elliot back, back from his darkness that he let out on Elliot even if he knows he shouldn’t have--

”Foolish,” a voice hisses to him. ”We told you not to. We told you that only you can know of this, and now look at what you’ve done. Your darkness… It swallowed him!”

He raises his head, blinks through the tears and the lights to face a furious glare.

”Don’t forget that… you did this!”

Comments

[disruptstatice]

[A light sigh. Wherever he "wants" requires knowing what that is. He still doesn't quite want talking about it in the first place.

But, first, there's something he's wondering.]

...why... do you stay with me? After seeing that... I'm...

[He slowly raises a hand, tugs lightly at his hair.]

Most people would have stayed away from someone who hears voices in their head.

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

[That wasn't exactly how he was expecting Leo to start... Why did he always have to bring the conversation away from himself. The voices didn't even matter to him really. He had heard voices for a while too, even though he never remembered hearing them. Then again, they both knew whose voice Elliot heard. This was completely different.]

... So? It's not like you actually listen to them, right?

[At least, he had better not with the things that man was saying.]

[disruptstatice]

[Because it's really puzzling him.

..ah. Not listening to them? Well. That is...]

I...

[He listens to at least a few things, it's a little... difficult... not to?

Although.]

What does that have to do with it?

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

Because whoever the hell he is, he's obviously lying to you.

[He looks dead serious about it.]

And, I've never been able to tell before. You're still the same person, with or without them.

[disruptstatice]

[Aha...ha... Damn it. Not the last part, though, and that's actually something the voices have really said, not...

Stupid, stupid, Elliot Nightray.]

You shouldn't--

[..this is a really hard habit to get out of.]

Whoever that person is...

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

[For a second, he's ready to snap at him, at least a little bit, because it sounded like he was about to tell him he shouldn't keep asking. By now, it should be established that he was involved, no questions asked.

... Is who? He waits to see if Leo is going to keep going with what he was saying, but he was having trouble obviously.]

You don't know him?

[disruptstatice]

Not him. I don't, but...

[He swallows.]

I meant me. Whoever I am.

I fail in my last tag. I'M SORRY, IT WAS LATE!

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

[It took Elliot a few seconds to wrap his mind around what Leo really meant, but he kind of understood.]

... You're yourself. With the voices or without, you choose who you are.

<3333! It happens!

[disruptstatice]

[...geez.

And this is why-- Even when he actually tries to say something, Elliot can't understand... And suddenly he finds himself raising his voice just slightly, even if it's still tired.

He finds himself gripping onto Elliot's shoulder too, his head lowering slightly.]

Then who am I? How can I be myself if I don't fully know who that is?

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

[He nearly tried to pull away at that, but he had to hold firm if he wanted Leo to keep talking.]

I just told you. If you don't know who you are, it's up to you to chose who you want to be.

[It almost sounds like he actually knows what he's talking about. Of course Elliot had to make decisions about who he was in his life as well, but they were nothing like what Leo was going through. He knew that, but he still stuck by what he said.]

[disruptstatice]

Choose? It's not so simple--

[What the hell would he choose to be? Elliot's servant? Not personal enough, and he still feels weirdly uncomfortable with that. And that's... basically all he can think of, aside from "Leo", and that doesn't help at all.]

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's not.

[He wasn't naive enough to think it would be simple. His point was though, the voices were obviously wrong and if Leo was actually listening to them, especially if they were still speaking to him in Somarium, he had to take control somehow.]

But, it's still up to you, and not the voices.

[disruptstatice]

...

[He just sighs, leans his head a little towards Elliot, almost against his shoulder. Not one bit helpful...]

Who would you say I am, Elliot?

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

I just told you---!

[... No, no no. Even if it was Leo's decision, if he was asking, Elliot was not going to just shove it back onto Leo's shoulders. Finally, he was being asked for advice. He had to do this right.

The problem was that with all Leo had told him in the last few days, Elliot was confused too. This side of Leo had been hidden for so long that he wondered if he had the right to tell him who he thought he was. In the end, he didn't know everything about him, but two years of friendship couldn't have been a complete lie. Leo was still the same person, he just knew more about him now.

Dead honesty was always the best bet. Everything he ever knew about Leo started spilling out.]

You're stubborn. I can never tell what you're thinking, and I know you could snap on me at any moment. You always contradict me, and you look like you enjoy the hell out of it!

... But, you're the only person who ever treated me as an equal. You've never let me get away with anything, and you're always honest even when I don't want to listen. That and, you're always thinking about other people, and you don't take any credit for it. Instead, you've kept all your problems to yourself for so long, and you've never shown it.

[disruptstatice]

[And this is when Leo does drop his head onto Elliot's shoulder.

Just like he's always honest with Elliot, Elliot has always been honest with him (about more things), and that's why he asked. And hearing this... is comforting. And makes him smile.

Even with that last sentence. It's impossible not to.]

That's because Elliot's reactions are the best~

[A soft chuckle, and he sighs.]

Thank you.

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

[A small grunt of disapproval escapes him the second Leo spoke up. That was a stupid reason to contradict him all the time! It seriously messed with people's image of him!]

Jerk.

[Still, he hears the chuckle and can't help but grin in satisfaction. It felt like it had been years since he last heard Leo laugh.]

What I meant before was, you're always going to be that way Leo, if you really want to be.

[Though Elliot personally would want him to stop embarrassing him sometimes. That would be wonderful.]

[disruptstatice]

...

[Absently, he raises his hand to finger a little at his hair.]

Mmm. I want to be.

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

Fine then.

[... Crap. Leo was a lot happier, so how could he find the heart to try to bring it back to their previously depressing conversation?]

[disruptstatice]

[He's silent for a while, until his smile starts dropping. He'll actually steer it back a little towards that himself.]

Now you're making me wonder why I ever started listening to them.

[He didn't for a while after all. But then, once things began... crashing... then...]

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

Because you shouldn't have.

[He didn't care that he didn't know what they had been telling him outside of the dream.]

[disruptstatice]

I think... I needed their help, so I started listening. They were the ones who knew how to save your life... [not really save it,] for a while longer.

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

Wait... What?!

[That wasn't what he was expecting to hear at all! ... So, now his argument was completely invalid, because it was those voices that kept him alive.

He only had what he'd seen in the dream to use to understand the voices, but the little he heard certainly said a lot. They were still not to be trusted.]

... They're the ones that told you to blame yourself, aren't they?

[disruptstatice]

[Well, technically, he didn't have to continue listening after they helped him.

He lowers his head slightly, nods.

But he did believe them because... it was true? He did do it...]

[snapekillsedgar.livejournal.com]

... Hypocrites.

[First they fed him what to do, and then they blamed him for it? Bastards...

Elliot's head tilted down as he watched Leo's head lowering. He was very clearly getting moody again, and it was really concerning. He couldn't help but wonder, was Leo really just blaming himself because of the voices?]

Leo, I know you don't want to talk about it, but you've gotta tell me sometime. What happened that day? What did they tell you?

[His tone was far more gentle then he thought possible for himself. It was kind of surprising how much patience he was having in this situation, but of course, Leo was worth having patience for.]

[disruptstatice]

[The tone makes it harder to say no. Although... considering everything, he hasn't felt this... alright in a while now. Hearing Elliot say all that did really lighten up his spirits...

It's not all gone. Or, well, doesn't have to be. Thinking back on what killed Elliot makes it a little more difficult, however...]

You know what happened. Don't you?